A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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