We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
