I smell stomach acid.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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