he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
this is an emotional support booty call
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
