just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
