I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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