my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
