I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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