its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
