I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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