giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
