I think im going to throw up on grandma
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize
