I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
