It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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