Apparently you make a good broom.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you win again, gameday.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
