Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
