you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
