your parents love me but you hate me
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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