If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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