What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
