Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
