One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
