U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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