So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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