my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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