My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
