The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
