We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
