Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
