a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Can I color on your dick again?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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