i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
