we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
