If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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