you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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