dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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