party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
