i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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