Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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