Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
