I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
