im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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