so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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