So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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