Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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