i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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