i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
