so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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