Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Slut skills are useful in every country.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
