dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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