Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize