First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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