I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
