apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
