those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
