Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
