Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
